A few words about Twilight saga.

Posted: November 17, 2010 in Movies, Music
Tags: , , , ,

I like Twilight series. I haven’t read any of the books (*epic sadface*), but the movies are incredible.

Last year, I went to see New Moon twice, both times with different people. And it was awesome. There aren’t too many movies that could make me laugh so hard to such hysterical extent! No, seriously! Look at the way the actors perform! I haven’t seen such emotional acting since 2003’s The Lord of the Rings: The Return of The King. But whereas TLOTR gives you a world that sucks you in from the first minutes, stunning CGI and an epic storyline, Twilight saga is just being so god damn stupid with all these dumb love stories and the image of soft vampires that could only be taking seriously by a 13-years-old girl! And that’s what makes these movies so good! There is nothing more hilarious than to watch actors making serious, dramatic  faces while saying such stupid shit!

Let’s take a look at a few dialogs from these movies:

Bella: Did you follow me?
Edward: I… I feel very protective of you.
Bella: So you followed me.
Edward: I was trying to keep a distance unless you needed my help and then I heard what those low-lives were thinking.
Bella: Wait. You say you heard what they were thinking? So what you… you read minds?
Edward: I can read every mind in this room apart from yours. There’s… Money. Sex. Money. Sex. Cat… And then you, nothing. That’s very frustrating.
Bella: Is there something wrong with me?

There are only two possible explanation for that: she is either a zombie or some kind of humanoid robot…. Well, maybe she just doesn’t think, at all… That would actually explain the next dialog (this one is from New Moon).

Bella: I’m cumming coming!
Edward: I don’t want you to come.
Bella: So you don’t want me?
Edward: No.

What the f*ck is wrong with that vampy!?!? Why can’t he just have his way with her!? Taking into consideration the fact that she is relatively hot and that she openly offers him to make sweeeet love, I have no choice but to suspect that Edward is a gay vampire (it was obvious from the first movie anyway, but this time I mean literally – a gay homosexual).

Well, on the other hand, the third movie reveals some additional information that could serve as a good explanation for such behavior…

This is a dialog between Bella and her father:

Daddy: I mean, you definitely don’t want to have to get married cause your not… um careful.
Bella: …what?
Daddy: Your know what I’m talking about. Theres… things that you need to think about if your going to be… physically intimate…
Bella: Okay, don’t have “the talk”, please.
Daddy: It’s just as embarrassing for me as it is for you.
Bella: I doubt that. And don’t bother, cause mom bet you to it like ten years ago.
Daddy: Well, you didn’t have a boyfriend ten years ago.
Bella: I’m sure things work the same way.
Daddy: …alright, so, you guys are taking precaution?
Bella: Okay, dad, please just don’t worry about… that. Edward is…[long pause]… old school.

I don’t know how did I find a strength not to shout out loudly “He’s sexually dysfunctional!!” during that pause when I was watching it in the cinema!

Also, remember the scene from the first movie, when they were together in the Bella’s bedroom, kissing and fondling each other, they were about to have sex, when vampy just suddenly screamed “No!” and jumped out of the bed, justifying such behavior by his thirst? Like, if he gets exited around her, he can’t control his biting reflexes, so it could lead to accidental murder during sex. Well, I mean, how dumb do you have to be to be restricted by such condition!? There is an easy solution! All you have to do in that kind of situation is to get a rubber grip, put it around someones neck, for the sake of safety, and then do the girl in all the holes, biting into that rubber grip, if necessary, so your partner would die or convert into a vampire. As simple as that!!! Edward would know such technique, as he is over 100 years old, so he was either sexually dysfunctional, or Bella just wasn’t his type (maybe human chicks don’t turn him on, and he was just playing with her, so later he could say: “Ha-ha-ha!!! I don’t do human sex, and I don’t like you! Ha-ha-ha! I was just screwing with your feelings, because I’m a mad cunt! Got you there! It was funny! Ha-ha-ha!”, then spit into her face and run away, laughing hysterically…. I swear, if they would show that in the final movie, I will immediately put the entire saga into my personal decade’s favorites).

What Twilight should be loved for, is the amount of parodies that pop-up on the Internet as fungi in a warm and humid environment after each new movie.

A few words about vampires…. What the f*ck is that? Bloodsuckers who get into serious relationships with 17-18 years old girls and shine on the Sun? COME ON!!!!! I wonder what would Blade do to them….

By the way, if you haven’t seen Blade, then we have nothing in common. Blade is f*cking awesome! One of the favorite movies from my childhood (the film was released in 1998)! It’s about a chocolate man, half-human and half-vampire, who goes around and destroys normal vampires in all imaginable brutal and sadistic ways.

Just watch the first 10 minutes (f*cking the best opening scene in the history of filmaking! also, note the wonderful hard acid music that is being played in the club):

The soundtrack to this movie is amazing! The early mentioned hard acid track, which is classified as “Rock” by iTunes Store, is called “Confusion“, it was released by The Pump Panel back in 1995, and, in my humble opinion, it’s the best piece of hardcore EDM ever made!

To conclude: Twilight is a good saga. Just don’t take it seriously, and I wouldn’t call you “a 13-years-old girl” :).

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