Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

This is already about 6 months old, but I’ll post anyway.

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Also, look what people come to this blog for! That’s the most popular search queries that lead to Friday begins on Monday for the last 30 days.

And that’s only because I once wrote one harmless post with a funny title – “Porn: Legacy”.

This data suggests one thing, and that thing is pretty well explained in the following video:

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Well, if one funny word in a title brings such popularity to my blog, then I think I know what I have to do.

Let’s say “hello” to all the search engines by writing the following paragraph (don’t read it! NSFW!):

Porn, sex, fuck, hot, teen, schoolgirl, ass, tits, boobs, cock, dick, gay, pussy, lesbians, cum, 16 years old girl, 18, 17, 15, 14, 13, 12, Justine Bieber, rape, uniform, gangbang, MILF, mature, amature, school, interracial, ebony, black, asian, latina, japanese, russian, german, indian, brazilian, dirty, blowjob, titjob, handjob, hardcore, paris hilton video, nightcam, slut, cream pie, fetish, toys, solo, bi, threesome, group, DP, double penetration, twilight, two hot schoolgirls playing with each other on a pool table in a basement, drunk blonde cheerleader gets gangbanged by 6 black cocks in an ice-castle, convict seduces prison guard and his wild boar dog, japanese speech-writers drawing flowers on the sand, eating popcorn and puking into each other’s ass holes.

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I bet this post will get its first 500 hits within the next 12 hours (after publishing) :)

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Porn: Legacy

Posted: December 22, 2010 in Movies

Watched Tron: Legacy.

I’m not going to write anything today. I want to save it for My Personal Top 10 Movies of 2010 that I’m going to publish on Facebook in a few weeks time.

For now, let’s just watch the pictures.

Found this awesome diagram on the Internet and I thought that it would be a crime if I don’t share it with you.

I especially like all the fiction places, such us Oz in 1930’s and Middle-earth with Pandora in 2000’s.

Hmmm…. So much (relatively to other, non-US, countries) of Roman Empire in 1950’s, as well as Egypt. Cleopatra much?

I can assume that a little Russia bit at 1961-1965 refers to War and Peace, the only Russian/Soviet movie (based on “a book” of the same name written by Tolstoy in XIX century… I still haven’t finished reading it, though it’s quite interesting) to receive an Oscar.

Hmmm… Why didn’t they include pseudo-Kazakhstan in this diagram? :)

Wachowski brothers today.

Posted: December 11, 2010 in Movies

Finally found a relatively recent photo of Wachowski brothers (the creators of The Matrix franchise).

Sadly enough, in 2003-2004, Larry (on the right) got under the influence of some dominatrix and, subsequently, changed his sex.

Hmmm… Andrew doesn’t look so happy about it in this picture. I would even call it a facepalm without a hand :)

The Facebook movie.

Posted: November 27, 2010 in Movies, Music

I think I was the last interested person on Earth who watched The Social Network this Thursday.

The film is a drama based on a biography book that describes the life of Mark Zuckerberg during the creation of Facebook, which is a site, where, apparently, you can register, upload your pictures, connect with your old friends, find people of the same interests, share information with them, and stuff like that.

For those of you, who have been living in a bunker for the last 8 months, here is a trailer.

I really liked this movie. The actors’ performance, all the dialogs and all the small and funny details (such as LifeJournal.com on Zuckerberg’s laptop at the very beginning), all of these together comes down to a very strong atmosphere that sucks you in from the very first few minutes of this film. Even though the story itself isn’t as interesting as the story of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, your realization that all the events showed happened recently, just a few years ago, adds a certain effect.

After watching this movie, I remembered an old Russian joke that I was told back at school by my friends.

A conversation between two gynaecologists:

– You know, I had this patient yesterday. Her clitoris was like a pickle.

– What do you mean? Like, green?

– No. Salty.

What does this joke have to do with the movie? Nothing. I just thought of it. Well, anyway….

Even though the film is described as bibliography drama, there are certain inaccuracies that should be considered as significant. Here is what Zuckerberg himself has to say about The Social Network:

Another goof was in the club scene. The track that they play in there is called “The Soubd of Violonce” and it was released by Dennis de Laat in 2008, therefore it couldn’t be played in 2003, when the action is set. And it’s kind of creepy that I was able to recognize this random house/trance song while sitting in the cinema. To be honest, I never realized how awesome this song is, until I heard it in this scene. I immediately switched all my attention to it, and it was hard for me to listen to conversation between the characters afterwards. I LOVE ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC, and I have some classical conditioning related to it! Whenever I hear a good house/trance/electro song, my heartbeat raises and I start sweating. That’s not a joke, my friends, I’m being 100% serious now.

The Soubd of Violonce is one mad summer tune! I bet it was played in every single club in Ibiza two years ago.

To sum up: The Social Network is an awesome movie! Go and watch it, if you haven’t seen it yet.

P. S. Here is an awesome parody that mocks Twitter.

My Japanese Dream.

Posted: November 24, 2010 in Animals, Just for LULz, Movies

The time was 3 am, I was reading some random stuff on Wikipedia, intending to go to sleep in the next 5 minutes. Suddenly, I received a message in Skype from my old Russian friend saying: “Hey, dude, check this out [gives me a link to YouTube video]”.

I regret that I followed that link and watched the scene. I couldn’t sleep for another 5 hours after seeing what I saw….

Well, first of all, I recommend you to watch this trailer:

Now, watch this scene.

This has completely changed my world vision over one night. I’m now fulfilled with love to Japan and its modern culture! I’m converting myself into a complete Japanophile. From now on, my life will be driven by an ultimate goal of watching ALL Godzillas, anime and hentai! I’m going to learn their language, I’m going to acquire a deep understanding of their traditions! The decision has been made! Screw Uni! I’m moving to Japan!

For the first couple of years I will circulate withing the Japanese underworld, working as a delivery boy for Yakuza, and crushing my opponents in underground sumo matches, earning money and respect.

After years in sumo, when the respect will be high enough, I will go into politics, with the members of Yakuza covering my back, and try to become the first non-Japanese Mikado, the Emperor of Japan. After I succeed, I will carry out a number of political reforms and revolutions, after which I will become the ultimate ruler of Japan, as Mikado should be.

I will invest more into Science, particularly in genetic engineering  and cybernetics, so I could build an army consisting entirely of giant robots and giant monsters, to take over the World! So my old dream would finally come true!

I know, the way will be difficult and challenging, but I believe in myself. I believe that I’m cool, and only through coolness I’ll pursuit my awesomeness in order to become the ultimate ruler of this World! May the Force be with me!

I like Twilight series. I haven’t read any of the books (*epic sadface*), but the movies are incredible.

Last year, I went to see New Moon twice, both times with different people. And it was awesome. There aren’t too many movies that could make me laugh so hard to such hysterical extent! No, seriously! Look at the way the actors perform! I haven’t seen such emotional acting since 2003’s The Lord of the Rings: The Return of The King. But whereas TLOTR gives you a world that sucks you in from the first minutes, stunning CGI and an epic storyline, Twilight saga is just being so god damn stupid with all these dumb love stories and the image of soft vampires that could only be taking seriously by a 13-years-old girl! And that’s what makes these movies so good! There is nothing more hilarious than to watch actors making serious, dramatic  faces while saying such stupid shit!

Let’s take a look at a few dialogs from these movies:

Bella: Did you follow me?
Edward: I… I feel very protective of you.
Bella: So you followed me.
Edward: I was trying to keep a distance unless you needed my help and then I heard what those low-lives were thinking.
Bella: Wait. You say you heard what they were thinking? So what you… you read minds?
Edward: I can read every mind in this room apart from yours. There’s… Money. Sex. Money. Sex. Cat… And then you, nothing. That’s very frustrating.
Bella: Is there something wrong with me?

There are only two possible explanation for that: she is either a zombie or some kind of humanoid robot…. Well, maybe she just doesn’t think, at all… That would actually explain the next dialog (this one is from New Moon).

Bella: I’m cumming coming!
Edward: I don’t want you to come.
Bella: So you don’t want me?
Edward: No.

What the f*ck is wrong with that vampy!?!? Why can’t he just have his way with her!? Taking into consideration the fact that she is relatively hot and that she openly offers him to make sweeeet love, I have no choice but to suspect that Edward is a gay vampire (it was obvious from the first movie anyway, but this time I mean literally – a gay homosexual).

Well, on the other hand, the third movie reveals some additional information that could serve as a good explanation for such behavior…

This is a dialog between Bella and her father:

Daddy: I mean, you definitely don’t want to have to get married cause your not… um careful.
Bella: …what?
Daddy: Your know what I’m talking about. Theres… things that you need to think about if your going to be… physically intimate…
Bella: Okay, don’t have “the talk”, please.
Daddy: It’s just as embarrassing for me as it is for you.
Bella: I doubt that. And don’t bother, cause mom bet you to it like ten years ago.
Daddy: Well, you didn’t have a boyfriend ten years ago.
Bella: I’m sure things work the same way.
Daddy: …alright, so, you guys are taking precaution?
Bella: Okay, dad, please just don’t worry about… that. Edward is…[long pause]… old school.

I don’t know how did I find a strength not to shout out loudly “He’s sexually dysfunctional!!” during that pause when I was watching it in the cinema!

Also, remember the scene from the first movie, when they were together in the Bella’s bedroom, kissing and fondling each other, they were about to have sex, when vampy just suddenly screamed “No!” and jumped out of the bed, justifying such behavior by his thirst? Like, if he gets exited around her, he can’t control his biting reflexes, so it could lead to accidental murder during sex. Well, I mean, how dumb do you have to be to be restricted by such condition!? There is an easy solution! All you have to do in that kind of situation is to get a rubber grip, put it around someones neck, for the sake of safety, and then do the girl in all the holes, biting into that rubber grip, if necessary, so your partner would die or convert into a vampire. As simple as that!!! Edward would know such technique, as he is over 100 years old, so he was either sexually dysfunctional, or Bella just wasn’t his type (maybe human chicks don’t turn him on, and he was just playing with her, so later he could say: “Ha-ha-ha!!! I don’t do human sex, and I don’t like you! Ha-ha-ha! I was just screwing with your feelings, because I’m a mad cunt! Got you there! It was funny! Ha-ha-ha!”, then spit into her face and run away, laughing hysterically…. I swear, if they would show that in the final movie, I will immediately put the entire saga into my personal decade’s favorites).

What Twilight should be loved for, is the amount of parodies that pop-up on the Internet as fungi in a warm and humid environment after each new movie.

A few words about vampires…. What the f*ck is that? Bloodsuckers who get into serious relationships with 17-18 years old girls and shine on the Sun? COME ON!!!!! I wonder what would Blade do to them….

By the way, if you haven’t seen Blade, then we have nothing in common. Blade is f*cking awesome! One of the favorite movies from my childhood (the film was released in 1998)! It’s about a chocolate man, half-human and half-vampire, who goes around and destroys normal vampires in all imaginable brutal and sadistic ways.

Just watch the first 10 minutes (f*cking the best opening scene in the history of filmaking! also, note the wonderful hard acid music that is being played in the club):

The soundtrack to this movie is amazing! The early mentioned hard acid track, which is classified as “Rock” by iTunes Store, is called “Confusion“, it was released by The Pump Panel back in 1995, and, in my humble opinion, it’s the best piece of hardcore EDM ever made!

To conclude: Twilight is a good saga. Just don’t take it seriously, and I wouldn’t call you “a 13-years-old girl” :).